How to (ungh) pick up (mprffhh) Ann (retch!) Coulter (huuurrrlll....)

For those only with the bravest of hearts and steel stomachs, CoEd Magazine has a user's guide to how to pick up the wretched Ann Coulter. The imagery alone is nauseating.

Ann’s eligibility has ignited a fierce debate amongst seasoned PUAs: how does one effectively employ Mystery’s teachings when your target is the most deranged female (who wasn’t born by Judy Garland) on the planet? Tried and true methods like negging and magic tricks are guaranteed to work on any woman no matter what, but since your target might not be entirely human, these techniques need to be adjusted accordingly in order to be 100-percent effective.

The rest is truly hilarious. Enjoy kiddos!

Douche #6: Rush Hudson Limbaugh III

Welcome back kids.

I have to say, with the dawn of the new administration the wingnuts on the right have gone straight apoplectic. The symbolic leader of the dying neo-conservative "intellectual" movement seems to be foaming at the mouth like a spoiled child (which he is) who finally got punished for being a brat (which he is). Yes, that is right, today's Daily Douche is the fat, obnoxious, drug-addled, over-privileged, verbal-whore who calls himself Rush Hudson Limbaugh the Third.

"Why?" You ask? Well, lets just say that Rushie's latest little hissy fits have shown his true, and horrifically ugly, colors. Need some examples? Well, here are just a few to come out lately.

• His only stated reason for opposing the Obama administration's stimulus package is because he's afraid it will hurt the GOP chances in the upcoming mid-term election. Way to follow you're candidate's election slogan "Country First" Rushworth.

• Rushie, in all his 70-pt IQ glory, thinks that Americans are only hoping to have Obama succeed because his father was black. Just like he thought we all were routing for Donovan McNabb because he is black. Listen Rushworth, we support guys like Obama and McNabb because they're good at what they do and, unlike your lazy ass, they actually do something useful.

• Mr. Oxycontin also openly stated that he hopes that Obama "fails." His only justification for this treasonous language is that "liberals" hoped the same thing for Bush. Well a little bit of information to get through your enormous skull you troglodyte... none of us hoped Bush failed. We were all hoping he WOULDN'T fail so miserably because we all had to deal with the consequences.

• Finally, the man who unabashedly displays his own ignorant racist views had the moment of brilliance to announce that racism is the "exclusive province of the left." Okay, we all know you're a college drop out, but with such shallow ineptitude of historical knowledge, how the hell did you graduate high-school? Where you frigging home-schooled??? Remind me again of the political views of Strom Thurmond, George Wallace, and David Duke? Oh yeah... they're right-wing Republicans like you.

Here's an idea Rush. If you got your head out of your ass, maybe it's gigantic size wouldn't be constraining your prostate and you wouldn't need medications to get your limp dick up when you're with under-aged prostitutes in Dominican Republic. If actually got off said fat ass and did something useful instead of just talk, you'd lose some weight, appear like a normal human being, and perhaps not have to pay for sex. Just a suggestion.

So all things aside, it is with great honor that I bestow today's Daily Douche on Rush Hudson Limbaugh the III, False Profit of the Ignorant, Leader of the Damned, Follower of the Limp Penis.

One Month Hiatus is over....

Hey Kids,

Well this is it... I'm back from the break.  Work woes kept me from my rants, but it seems like the douchebags came out in FORCE in my absence.   It seems like my work is never done.

Emergency Douche Post: A Dick Alert

Attention Kids: I'm going to have to issue an emergency post on the Daily Douche. From here on out, these shall be known as Dick Alerts in honor of our first recipient.

Dick Cheney (the man who TRULY lives up to his namesake), has recently announced that "Guantanamo has been run very well." This can mean one of either two things.

a) Dick has been living with his head in the sand for the past 7 years and somehow missed the Red Cross' reports detailing how horrible that place is.

or

b) Dick is truly a crass heartless traitor to humanity who probably admired dictators like Saddam for their draconian laws and punishments.

So which is it Dick? Are you an idiot or an asshole?

And where's my shoe?!

Douche #5: Sean Hannity

Hey Kids,

Today's Douche is nominated not because of anything in particular he has done today, more but as kind of a life-time achievement Douche award thanks to the folks over at Media Matters.  That's right, their winner is none other than Mr. I-talk-with-a-whiney-quasi-south-Boston-accent-so-you-wont-know-I-am-a-spoiled-rich-kid Sean Hannity (ding ding ding!).  Mr. Hannity was recently given the Misinformer of the Year award by MM for his numerous lies through the 2008 campaign.  

Who could forget such favorites as:

Trying to tie Obama to the Nation of Islam (to a racist like Sean, all African Americans are all the same)

Claiming Obama is the "most liberal senator".  Oddly the same label he applied to Kerry in 2004.  Apparently the Democratic party will only nominate the fringe elements to Mr. Insanity.

Bringing on noted racist and coward Andy Martin to throw dirt that anyone else would be sued for.

There are many others in the Media Matters report. It's a fun and frustrating read. I highly recommend it.  It paints the picture of a schoolyard bully who hides behind his Fox News podium to lie, cheat, and smear in order to make himself appear tough.

So let's all raise our shoes to the dishonerable, cowardly (come on... no replacement for the weak Colmes?), spoiled, rich turd that goes by the name Sean Hannity.  Ready.  Aim.  Shoe!

Douche #4: Heath Campbell (A Double Douche Winner)

Okay kids,  you're going to have to see this one to believe it.  

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081217/ap_on_fe_st/odd_hitler_cake

Today's Douche is a 35-year old New Jersey man named Heath Campbell.  Heath is a family man, with three beautiful children, a loving wife who's a decade his junior, and well... racist, hateful ideologies that he thrusts upon his kids in an almost immoral way and thus ruins their birthday.  

You see, Heath had the grand idea of naming his young boy Adolf Hitler Campbell.  That's right, he gave his little boy the first AND last name of an infamous, racist, genocidal maniac.  When he went into RiteAid to get his little boy a birthday cake with his name on it, RiteAid refused, rightfully saying it was offensive.  Well now the Cambells (who's other children's names are JoyceLynn Aryan Nation  and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie) are throwing a fuss saying that RiteAid ruined their child's birthday.  The intellect busting 70-point IQ couple justified naming little Adolf by saying:

"They need to accept a name. A name's a name. The kid isn't going to grow up and do what (Hitler) did."

Brilliant.   Tell that to the survivors of the Holocaust (which the Campbells don't believe happened) and the descendants of those survivors.  

So today I'm giving Heath Campbell the first ever "Double Douche" award.  First Douche for thrusting your racist ideologies on your child by naming him Adolf Hitler (I hope he grows up an ACLU lawyer!).  Second Douche for being such an idiot as to not understand people's visceral reaction to it (hey, that's what you were looking for when you named your children after the Third Reich).

UPDATE: Crooks and Liars has more on this.

Douche #3: Muntadar al-Zeidi (a.k.a. The shoe thrower)

Muntadar al-Zeidi get's today's award.  Not because he threw his shoes at Dear Leader, but because of his aim!  We gotta bring baseball to Iraq so guys like al-Zeidi can learn how to throw!